Category Archives: Marriage

Living With a Stranger!

Falling in love is awesome. When you fall in love with someone, it makes your whole five senses come alive, am I right? I am so sure I am. If you have ever fallen in love before, you know it produces an unimaginable energy. There is a feeling of having the ability to accomplish almost anything with that special person in your life. We often see these special people as God’s gift, soul mates, help-meet,  just to name a few. It’s often amazing when two people after few years down the line now become total strangers.Relationship breakdown

I had a conversation recently with a lady who had unresolved issues in her marriage. She claims she still lives with her hubby but they lead separate lives. I asked her if she thinks she was still married to her hubby and she said “yeah some-how”.  It means they do live in the same apartment but they are practically living like neighbors. How do super-lovers become estranged friends or live as strangers? Love in marriage depreciates rapidly when lovers lose the vision, passion and purpose of their relationship. It results in both parties abusing each other. When you lose the perception of what a relationship is worth you lose the essence of it.

When you stop being passionate about your relationship, it means nothing moves you about it anymore. A lover’s voice that uses to tickle you initially now becomes a disturbing noise. Passion dies a natural death once you lose focus of where you were heading in the first place and what you were going to achieve. Distractions on daily basis are inevitable but you have to stay resolute to stay in love and in purpose. This simply means your relationship should be beyond ordinary feelings.  You chose to walk this part because you believed it was priceless. Or perhaps you did not count your cost before you started. Even if this was your case, you can still make the best out of it. Nothing happens by chance. When things are rough you must be determined to weather the storm. You must also understand people change in every relationship as years go by. The lady or guy you married in his or her early twenties has become a fully grown individual, desiring something deeper than what they wanted when they were younger. People change in different ways and phases, due to new experiencesLovers hatecircumstances and exposure over the years. A spouse might do or exhibit some behavioral changes that you might not believe they are capable of.  You need to be able to love your partner through the different phases and changes they might have passed or be passing through. Whatever crisis you face in your relationship can be resolved if it’s not life threatening and both parties involved are willing to work at it. Our crisis is often not the issue but the way we handle and react to them. It would ultimately determine whether your passion stays alive and survive the temporary distraction or dies completely.  Your vision and your purpose keep your passion intact. Do not give up on your passion; you must keep hope alive despite all odds. The stranger in your house can become a friend and a lover if you dare to dream again. When you find the purpose for your relationship you would find passion again. Hope against hope, make peace with yourself and live to love again. Join me on my next blog as we discuss the vision, passion and purpose of our relationship.

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Falling In Love with YOU!

love you...  Love is an eternal gift given by the Creator to all mankind. It keeps the whole universe moving and keeps us connected to one another. It is on this account that we often focus on the importance of loving but we hardly focus on the importance of loving ourselves as individuals. The truth about love is that you can only express love to others when you have learnt how to love yourself. Developing the ability to love others is a gift that stems from being able to love yourself. Appreciating who you are makes it a lot easier to appreciate others around you. Those who have low self-esteem issues usually find it difficult to relate with others.  How can you relate well with others when you have not learnt to be comfortable in your own skin. How then can you love yourself?

The first step to falling in love with you is to know who you are and those things that makes you uniquely you. You must know your potentials, capabilities, talents, gifts and your limitations. Be realistic about who you are and come to an understanding that your expressions would always be uniquely yours. Understanding thus should help you dig deep and bring Love pictureinto the limelight all that has been deposited in you at creation. Never try to be someone else or be tempted to live someone else’s dream or run someone else’s race. Always believe in yourself; that you are good at whatever you choose to do. This usually creates a deep seat of confidence and helps you fall in love with who you are on a daily basis. When you operate below your potentials, it leads to self condemnation. The less you under utilize your potentials, the less you see anything good about yourself and the less you love yourself.
Love you 2 Stretch to your full potential, love everything about you, and believe you are fantastic. The more you believe this the more you develop the confidence to reach out to others. You can only give and share what you have. Loving yourself creates the energy to love others.
Another factor to loving yourself is having a good self-esteem. People only validate what you affirm about yourself. Having a good self-esteem is not about being proud or having a false image of who you are. It’s a realistic evaluation of what your strength and weaknesses are. A good level of self-esteem leads to self-respect and self-confidence. When you exhibit this, people naturally gravitate towards you. Both are virtues that speak without you saying a word. It shows you have a good knowledge of how unique and special you are.

Part of developing good self-esteem is to love the way you look physically. If you do not love what you see in the mirror every morning then do something about it. If you need to work on your weight, make sure you take up some exercises and dieting to keep fit. Make sure you look the way you love to see yourself. Paying attention to your wardrobe too has a great deal of impact on your self confidence. When you make an effort to look good and you love who you see in your mirror, it has a way of transmitting what you feel about yourself to others. It matters to love what you see on a daily basis.
Celebrating yourself also helps you to fall in love with who you are. You celebrate yourself  by pursuing your dreams and passion. Celebrate your achievements and the products of the impact you have made so far. No one else can do what you do; you are unique in every way possible. If you find it difficult to celebrate yourself, you can’t celebrate others. Those who find it hard to see something good about themselves cannot see something good about others.
Loving yourself also stems from the ability to recognize your weaknesses and limitations. Once you know what you are capable of handling you won’t over labour or make unrealistic demands on yourself. Having this in view keeps your life free from unnecessary stress. It helps you to avoid pitfalls that would expose your weaknesses while you focus on your strength. Loving yourself is the best gift you can give to you. It’s the only way to remain relevant and impactful to the people around you.
You also develop a good level of love for who you are when you are one hundred percent positive about yourself regardless of other people’s opinion as important as that may be. Whatever anybody feels about you is their opinion and it should not be the basis for how you feel about yourself. There is often error in human judgment because we often see things the way we are. Only you can know yourself better, so stay positive and true to yourself. Always remember what you see and think about yourself is what you would manifest. Love yourself and treat yourself to a lot of gracefulness and thoughtfulness. Be mindful of who you are physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally because this is what determines the total you.

Treat yourself to a lot of love. You need it.

COMMUNICATION AS A BIG DEAL IN BUILDING STRONG RELATIONSHIPS

Communication is a big deal when it comes to building a good foundation for our relationships. Good communication is the major strength of every relationship; no relationship thrives without it. Once the flow of communication breaks down in any relationship, be it a marital relationship,  business relationship or even relationships between friends, it’s always difficult to make progress beyond that level.  The lack of good communication leads to a gradual decay of a relationship that started on a good note. It’s a major lifeline between two people. When the line of communication is left open in a relationship, there is hardly any issue that cannot be resolved.

Communication is made up of the spoken word, body language and good listening ability. Good communication comes with the ability to perfectly present and pass across your message to others in a way that can be tinu blogseffortlessly understood.  Good communication adds some spice to every relationship and makes conflict resolution very easy.

This brings us to the point of asking how we can truly communicate. True communication involves respecting other people’s point of view even when we have a contrary opinion; understanding that everyone has a right to their own perception and should be given a room for self expression. Good communication gives space for feedback from parties involved in the communication process.

Good communication also involves good listening ability. Few people truly know how to listen while others are talking. Good listening ability comes with rapt attention, calmness and an objective appraisal of the issue being discussed without having a ready-made response. Developing a good listening ability is a major key to building good communication and a good relationship. We listen not only to spoken words but to words that are not spoken as well, which are mostly passed a crossed through body languages and silent expressions by actions. There are times people speak clearly through various expressions like eye contacts, touch, actions, etc. A good communicator must be a good observer.

There is an adage that says “action speaks louder than words.” Body language is a major factor in communicating effectively. It’s speaking without words and it’s often louder and clearer than the spoken words. During the process of communicating, our body language gives away the sincerity of our words. We communicate effectively when our spoken words correlate with our body language.
Good communication is also fostered by avoiding being presumptuous and being too assuming. Exhibiting a trait of assumption in our relationships makes us take others for granted. Assumption makes us relate with others based on our perception about issues without facts.  It’s a state of always assuming others should understand and know better.  This is about setting high standards and expectations for others without giving room for human errors. This leads us to breaking and crossing relationship boundaries which is always tough to fix once broken. The state of being presumptuous in communicating is taking others for granted and responding to others by reacting without facts. Good communication comes by having all facts fully established before passing on to others and giving deep consideration to other people’s feelings.

Becoming a good communicator is a skill that can be learnt and it’s an art that can be developed if we make conscious efforts. Our relationships are more enjoyable when we communicate well with others. Communication is a two way thing. He that must have a friend must first make himself friendly. We must seek to understand others then we would be understood. Words are powerful and they convey powerful images once spoken. We should be sure our words express exactly what we mean to communicate to others. We would enjoy our relationships better when we communicate constructively.

Pillars of Relationship (Part 2)

This week, we would be taking a closer look at another pillar that holds our relationships and keeps it working. I call it the oil that keeps the engine of every relationship moving.
Trust is a powerful pillar upon which all relationships are built. Once trust disintegrates from any relationship and efforts are not made to fix it, that could most likely signify the end of that relationship. There can never be progress until trust is restored. The restoration of trust is very tough once it has been broken, therefore, the place of trust in our relationships should be guarded jealously.

Trust is the ability to rely on the integrity of others or earn other people’s confidence.  It is the confident expectation we have in others or we earn from others we closely relate with. Trust cannot work in isolation, there are things that makes  trust workable and effective , lets run through a few.
Trust and accountability cannot be separated. Accountability to others and to ourselves makes us trustworthy persons. We must have a strong resolve to be accountable for our choices, decisions, time, money,Trustresources and emotional pursuits, just to name a few. Trusted people don’t just go ahead and do whatever catches their fancy. They realize they are responsible to others in their relationship.
So they weigh their decision carefully and are ready to give account without giving excuses whenever the need arises.

Responsibility is another aspect of trust. Nobody entrusts things to an irresponsible person. Our ability to respond to issues promptly, effectively and decisively in our relationships without being prompted earns us the trust of others.

Faithfulness and consistency is another integral aspect of trust. Anyone who exhibits an incoherent habit in words and deeds cannot be trusted. Consistency is the adherence to principles and values agreed upon by people involved in a relationship.  Faithfulness in our relationships is the ability to retain coherence and hold one’s self together regardless of pressure. Giving high esteem to ones relationship and staying focused in view of all odds is the key to being deeply trusted by others. Inconsistency breeds confusion while consistency builds trust.  Trustworthy and faithful people develop the ability to stay true to their words, vows, promises, principles and values. This earns them the respect and trust of others.

Another aspect of trust is space. Respecting other people’s space helps relationship stay strong. When we do not give enough space, we choke life and vibrancy out of our relationships. It takes maturity to allow our relationships to breath.  Space in this case does not mean we should create an emotional or physical distance. It simply means respecting those we closely relate with.

Respecting other people’s space comes with allowing others to make their own decisions without enforcing ours. Looking at other people’s decisions objectively. Allowing others to follow their dreams and visions freely without a fuss but supporting them wholeheartedly. Allowing others to be who they want to be and giving them room for expression without creating  unrealistic barriers. Doing all these earns us the trust of others. Other practical ways to create an healthy space in our relationship is by not  crossing personal barriers like searching through other people’s personal items without their consent.  e.g mails, phones, letters , etc.  Doing this exhibits lack of trust in others.

Another aspect of trust is ability to let go of the past. Not bringing the old into the new or past into the present. Bringing the experiences in our past relationships into the new chokes the power of trust. Due to past painful experiences some find it hard to trust wholly again. We must be able to separate issues of the past from the present to be able to trust unreservedly. We must learn from past experiences so we do not repeat the mistakes of the past but it should not affect the way we relate to the new people that comes into our lives.

Having extrapolated all of these pillars, it’s very obvious trust is a big deal in every relationship. The level of trust in our relationships can be built if all parties involved make the necessary effort to work at it. Let’s do what it takes to earn the trust of others and also learn to trust others unreservedly.

The Pillars of Relationship

From my observation, it is obvious that the rate of divorce is becoming very much alarming.  Keeps me wondering why relationships are deteriorating so fast this days. Everyone claims to have fallen in love  Pillars

before taking their vows at the altar.

I am sure at the point of exchanging their vows, young lovers often felt the experience is the best thing that could ever happen to them. Why do most of these relationships eventually turn out to be nightmares? It keeps me wondering what could have happened to the profession of undying love by two love birds to one another after few months and even many years of marriage.  It’s as bad as seeing young couples who just got married  in less than three months filing for divorce or those who have been together for over twenty five years seeking to go their separate ways.  I  strongly believe all these stems from foundational issues.

When the foundation of a building is weak due to lack of proper structure, we all know it cannot retain any solid structure.  It’s a matter of time before the building would eventually come crashing down; when a building’s foundation is weak, an eventual collapse is inevitable. This brings me to the point of looking closely at the principles upon which solid relationships  thrives and stays strong forever.  In the next few weeks, we would be looking at few principles that keeps beautiful relationships alive.

Commitment is a very strong requirement for a lasting relationship. The human nature naturally finds it hard to commit.  Once a situation changes, the natural human instinct desires to move into a more comfortable zone.  Commitment cannot stand on its own; it needs maturity and purpose to survive.   Maturity as regards commitment is the ability to stay put whether things are good or bad as long as it’s not life threatening. Wherever you find true commitment, convenience is thrown out of the window.  Purpose is also a big deal to commitment.  A relationship that does not have a clear purpose or laid out plan is doomed to fail; no matter how long it takes. Purpose gives commitment a meaning; no one commits to a mission that has no clear destination.  Relationships with a clear purpose or destination naturally attracts commitment and determination by all parties  involved.  Everyone involved would have a strong desire to maintain , preserve  and  protect the relationship at all cost. With the belief in their heart that this relationship must not and cannot fail.

In the light of the background laid above, I strongly believe purpose strengthens commitment in relationships. What is the purpose of your relationship and what is its destination?  Your ability to answer this question clearly will help to redefine  and re-evaluate why you are in the relationship in the first place and why you should remain there. The purpose of our relationship with one another must go beyond ordinary feelings; it must be bigger than all parties involved.  The ability to evaluate  our purpose for relating, choosing our  partners and friends helps us put our relationship in proper perspective.  It gives us the strong resolve to stay committed at all cost even when the tides are high.